The First Three Months

Last night marked the thirteenth week and today’s calendar signals that it has been three months since Robbie died. We’ve been conscious of this all week and he has not been far from either of our minds.

It’s a good time to take stock and see where we are and honestly, considering it’s only been three months, we’re in reasonable shape.

Neither one of us is sleeping easily but we manage and have been consulting with our GP as needed. We get through the days and have made regular pilgrimages to the gravesite which is the most tangible sign he’s really gone. When it’s just us at home, it still feels like he’s away at school and we should be hearing from him soon.

We have found ourselves in conversations about What Ifs, imagining the obstacles and milestones that we’d be dealing with had he been successfully transplanted. Longer term, we see the family name and branch of my father’s family tree coming to an end. There’s less likelihood of grandchildren with him gone so that’s another ache.

Deb frenetically filled our weekend calendar for much of the fall right through Christmas which has its pluses and minuses. Friends and family continue to check in although with a little less frequency. Some, who couldn’t find the words in August, are still making first contact which is good.

When Deb said it was time, we began cleaning out his room, giving things away and saving other items. It’s a work in progress and we haven’t really touched it in some time and honestly, there’s no real impetus so we’ll get back to it when we’re ready again.

His affairs are in order and just need a document from probate court freeing his bank account and then his belongings will be totally addressed.

We have things to donate to Child Life up at Yale-New Haven and a ceiling tile he began painting was finished by others and is proudly displayed so a trip is definitely in order. Deb is beginning to think the time is coming to make a visit which will be a bittersweet one. We keep in touch with Stephanie Massaro and Jess, his nurse, along with a few of the Child Life folk so we haven’t severed ties completely.

I think we’re doing as well as one can expect given what we’ve endured this year. We hug a lot more, which is nice. We still shed tears but with less frequency.

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